I would be able to open a Capri Sun without getting Pacific Cooler all over me.

(Click image to enlarge)

The other day I was at my friend Lee's house watching "Snatch" with his fiancée, who suddenly asked "Why don't you have a girlfriend?" I faltered, initially finding it intrusive and countering my efforts to watch the film at hand. My hesitation earned a follow-up "... or boyfriend?" which I appreciated, considering fairness and courtesy, regardless of its base in suspicion. I then speculated that the people I meet in Knoxville generally do not impress me, and that the ones that do impress me usually have their heads too far up their own ass; or, they intimidate me and, thus, I do not impress myself. She assured me she did not include herself in the general Knoxville rabble and we left it at that.

But I ran over it again in my head: wait, why didn't I have a girlfriend? Why have I ignored this pervasive suggestion of my society? Was I too busy with school? Somehow, I always found time to get spun. Was I too fat? No, fat people have girlfriends. Wait, maybe I'm totally hideous? I considered this seriously, and concluded that she wouldn't have asked why I didn't have a girlfriend if the answer was literally written all over my face. So were my suspicions correct? Did I just not like the people around me? Perhaps I refuse to care.

Girlfriend, fiancée, wife; adored, adorned, and adulterated. The concepts seem tired, conjuring images of the traditional court, organized marriages, and large families; yet, I am reminded of my youth, and my own fleeing memories of love: first impressions, the chase, unity. And then the unmet expectations, unnavigable distance, and caustic despair. The stuff that twists your insides up real good. It's all so damn overwhelming. Not the least of which is picking apart your motivations, figuring out who the hell you are and why you're doing anything at all.

(12:00:50 PM) BigConna: thanks for taking care of the regions deposit
(12:02:51 PM) Dad: No prob!
(12:03:08 PM) Dad: I'm loaded!
(12:03:29 PM) Dad: Thanks for studying hard!
(12:04:10 PM) Dad: I gotta get back to looking at funny things on YouTube. Bye.

PS my dad is actually poor. probably because he watches YouTube videos instead of working.

From Entensity.net

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. You know stuff about rifles, tanks, motorcycles, and airplanes.
3. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4. You can open your own jars.
5. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
6. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
7. You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
8. You can leave the motel bed unmade.
9. You can kill your own food.
10. You get extra credit for the slightest of thoughtfulness.
11. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
12. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
13. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
14. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
15. Everything on your face stays its original color.
16. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
17. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
18. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
19. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
20. Same work...more pay.
21. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
22. Wedding dress: $2000. Tuxedo rental: $75
23. You don't mooch off others desserts.
24. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
25. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might just become lifelong friends.
26. Your pals can be trusted not to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
27. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
28. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
29. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
30. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
31. You don't have to shave below your neck.
32. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
33. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Russell: Whats going on? just got off work
Jacob: just eating a salad and watching sex and the city. how gay am i?
Russell: This                              gay

Offering to send 15902685-15902687-large.jpg

Transfer of file 15902685-15902687-large.jpg complete

BigConna: recognize anyone?
Jacob: yeah
Jacob: christina brittany and justin
BigConna: damn, you're good
Jacob: duh
BigConna: and probably gay
Jacob: probably

BigConna: recognize anyone?
Dycus: no
Dycus: why?
BigConna: look again
Dycus: I did, go ahead and tell me
BigConna: there are three future pop superstars in that picture
BigConna: jacob got all of them
BigConna: because he's gay
Dycus: ugh, I dont care
BigConna: he's totally gay, though
BigConna: don't you think he's gay
Dycus: why dont you tell me who I should be looking for
BigConna: jacob's pretty gay, huh
Dycus: I think its pretty gay to send a gay picture and then be all gay about not telling me who the gay ppl are.
Dycus: dont be gay.
BigConna: i think i just had a breakthrough
BigConna: jacob's gay
Dycus: is that mcaulken?
Dycus: six feet under is a good series btw.

4327 tracks in playlist, average track length: 4:09
Playlist length: 299 hours 59 minutes 28 seconds

Playlist files:

1. 8 Bit Weapon - Spacelab (4:54)
2. ...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead - Another Morning Stoner (4:33)
3. ...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead - Mistakes And Regrets (3:46)
4. A Poet Named Revolver - Cicadas (2:15)
5. A Poet Named Revolver - Ex-Meadows (3:34)
6. A Poet Named Revolver - Georgia Car Wreck (2:34)
7. A Poet Named Revolver - Goner (2:14)
8. A Poet Named Revolver - Gypster (3:27)
9. A Poet Named Revolver - Hate (3:59)
10. A Poet Named Revolver - In the Very Bed (3:43)
11. A Poet Named Revolver - Postwar Pop (2:43)
12. A Poet Named Revolver - Sorry, Son, Dogs Die (3:03)
13. A Poet Named Revolver - South Gallatin (3:10)
14. Above & Beyond - Alone Tonight (4:08)
15. Adam Ant - Wonderful (4:22)
16. Aimee Mann - How Am I Different (5:03)
17. Aimee Mann - Invisible Ink (4:59)
18. Aimee Mann - Just Like Anyone (1:20)
19. Aimee Mann - One (3:04)
20. Aimee Mann - Save Me (4:31)
21. Aimee Mann - Two of Us (3:32)
22. Aimee Mann - Wise Up (3:28)
23. Akron/Family - Moment (5:20)
24. Alphaville - Forever Young (3:50)
25. America - Lonely People (2:26)
26. Amon Tobin - Easy Muffin (4:31)
27. Amon Tobin - Four Ton Mantis (Bonobo Mix) (4:15)
28. Anders Ilar - Rourei (5:46)
29. Andrew Bird - /=/ (1:05)
30. Andrew Bird - /=/=/ (1:08)
31. Andrew Bird - A Nervous Tic Motion Of The Head To The Left (4:59)
32. Andrew Bird - Armchairs (7:02)
33. Andrew Bird - Banking On A Myth (4:28)
34. Andrew Bird - Cataracts (3:12)
35. Andrew Bird - Dark Matter (5:07)
36. Andrew Bird - Fake Palindromes (2:52)
37. Andrew Bird - Fiery Crash (4:12)
38. Andrew Bird - Heretics (3:33)
39. Andrew Bird - Imitosis (4:00)
40. Andrew Bird - Masterfade (4:10)
41. Andrew Bird - Measuring Cups (2:51)

My Spanish teacher sent this to me at 11pm:

"Hey guys,
sorry, it is kind of late but, this is the format for the quiz tomorrow.
1. you'll have to write down the word that goes with my definition.
2.Study the meaning of the words in SIN DUDA 3.Study the page that follows SIN DUDA and the vocab. chapter 11.

Ms.Lundy :)
PS: Don't forget our party. You know what I mean. ;)"

College rules. my 45 year old spanish teacher from peru is using emoticons in her mass emails to her students. I mean, could life get better than that? She's even referencing her secret Spanish party we're having tomorrow. What a good girl.