So I was at work today and had just begun my mid-afternoon fecal dispersion, when I hear someone walk into the bathroom. My eyes immediately shoot up to the door handle which, since I exclusively use handicapped bathrooms at work for their extra ameneties, is a good 6 feet away and realize that it is unlocked. I am completely vulnerable. Because I am actively pooping, I have a choice to make: Do I get up and move across the stall to lock the door and potentially poop on the floor or, even worse, on myself or do I keep pooping and risk being walked in upon and filled with shame by my presentation? Well, decided to err on the side of modesty which, as you can tell by this post, I have quite a lot of, and stood up to lock the door. Then it happened. The end.

Instead we should be kicking out people who like Hawaiian pizza.

From Final Destination 2...

Coolest video EVER.

I would be able to open a Capri Sun without getting Pacific Cooler all over me.

(Click image to enlarge)

The other day I was at my friend Lee's house watching "Snatch" with his fiancée, who suddenly asked "Why don't you have a girlfriend?" I faltered, initially finding it intrusive and countering my efforts to watch the film at hand. My hesitation earned a follow-up "... or boyfriend?" which I appreciated, considering fairness and courtesy, regardless of its base in suspicion. I then speculated that the people I meet in Knoxville generally do not impress me, and that the ones that do impress me usually have their heads too far up their own ass; or, they intimidate me and, thus, I do not impress myself. She assured me she did not include herself in the general Knoxville rabble and we left it at that.

But I ran over it again in my head: wait, why didn't I have a girlfriend? Why have I ignored this pervasive suggestion of my society? Was I too busy with school? Somehow, I always found time to get spun. Was I too fat? No, fat people have girlfriends. Wait, maybe I'm totally hideous? I considered this seriously, and concluded that she wouldn't have asked why I didn't have a girlfriend if the answer was literally written all over my face. So were my suspicions correct? Did I just not like the people around me? Perhaps I refuse to care.

Girlfriend, fiancée, wife; adored, adorned, and adulterated. The concepts seem tired, conjuring images of the traditional court, organized marriages, and large families; yet, I am reminded of my youth, and my own fleeing memories of love: first impressions, the chase, unity. And then the unmet expectations, unnavigable distance, and caustic despair. The stuff that twists your insides up real good. It's all so damn overwhelming. Not the least of which is picking apart your motivations, figuring out who the hell you are and why you're doing anything at all.

(12:00:50 PM) BigConna: thanks for taking care of the regions deposit
(12:02:51 PM) Dad: No prob!
(12:03:08 PM) Dad: I'm loaded!
(12:03:29 PM) Dad: Thanks for studying hard!
(12:04:10 PM) Dad: I gotta get back to looking at funny things on YouTube. Bye.

PS my dad is actually poor. probably because he watches YouTube videos instead of working.

From Entensity.net

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. You know stuff about rifles, tanks, motorcycles, and airplanes.
3. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4. You can open your own jars.
5. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
6. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
7. You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
8. You can leave the motel bed unmade.
9. You can kill your own food.
10. You get extra credit for the slightest of thoughtfulness.
11. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
12. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
13. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
14. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
15. Everything on your face stays its original color.
16. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
17. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
18. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
19. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
20. Same work...more pay.
21. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
22. Wedding dress: $2000. Tuxedo rental: $75
23. You don't mooch off others desserts.
24. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
25. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might just become lifelong friends.
26. Your pals can be trusted not to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
27. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
28. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
29. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
30. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
31. You don't have to shave below your neck.
32. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
33. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.